


You're Not You When You're Hungry

by JacquelineHyde



Category: Fire Emblem Heroes
Genre: But not today, F/F, Female Summoner - Freeform, M/M, Snickers as a cure for possession by dragon gods, someday I will write something for this fandom that isn't irredeemably silly, yes it is as dumb as it sounds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-16 23:00:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21044216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JacquelineHyde/pseuds/JacquelineHyde
Summary: In which Kiran believes wholeheartedly in the curative powers of chocolate, and Anna is Not Sure About This





	You're Not You When You're Hungry

**Author's Note:**

> This story. This fricking stupid throw-away gag of a story. Has undergone SO MANY REWRITES AND RESTRUCTURINGS. Given where we've ended up, that may be difficult to believe.

“A word, Summoner?”

Completely missing the tightly controlled anger in Anna's voice, Kiran looks up with a cheeky grin.

“Ooh, _Summoner_, hey? Am I in trouble, _Commander_?”

Anna takes a deep, composing breath, and Kiran's smile wilts.

“Shit, am I actually in trouble?” she demands, bolting from her desk. “Anna, what's wrong?”

“What's wrong is _your_ reckless endangerment of _my_ prince and princess!”

Unwisely, Kiran guffaws.

“Oh my God, Anna, seriously? I've seen Alfonse gearing up to pick fights with not one, but two actual, literal gods. Your _prince_ is so reckless that it's pretty much an active death wish at this point, your _princess_ is nearly as bad, and you think _I'm _endangering them? I love our kids to death, babe, but those two loose canons need exactly zero help endangering their damn selves.”

“That's what I'm saying!” Anna exclaims amid emphatic gesturing and a complete lack of acknowledgement for this _our kids _business. “Life in the Order of Heroes is inherently dangerous, and I've done everything I can to prepare them for it, so the last thing we need is you taking unnecessary chances with their safety!”

“Okay, I think I know what this is about. And yeah, I get that incorporating Setsuna's stray arrows into Alfonse's training regimen is a little unorthodox, but if she's going to be accidentally shooting him in the face on the daily _anyway_, he might as well get something out of it. Training is training, right? And you know how Sharena is – she saw Setsuna firing arrows at Alfonse, decided it looked like fun, and invited herself along. She shot at him a few times, he shot at her a few times, they agreed that they both suck at archery, gave Setsuna her bow back, and brought in Takumi and Niles to increase the difficulty.”

Anna is silent for a long moment, processing all of this.

“We're definitely revisiting that. Later. Right now, we need to talk about Zacharias.”

Kiran's eyes light up.

“Oh, yeah, you were away when he showed up! Isn't it great? I'm kind of amazed it worked! I mentioned it passing to Alfonse, and he didn't realize I was joking, and mentioned it in passing to Zacharias, who showed up out of the blue looking for _Kiran's cure_. In retrospect, I'm kind of annoyed at myself that I was sitting on the solution to the Emblian murder-blood issue all this time, but it seriously never occurred to me until last week!”

“You didn't give him a _cure_, Kiran! You gave him a candy bar!”

“A _Snickers_, thank you very much,” Kiran corrects loftily.

“It's candy! It's chocolate, peanuts, and caramel, and I've seen you give the same thing to Sharena when she gets cranky right before lunch, but you told him that it was a mystical elixir that 'strips away that which is false and reveals the true self' or some such nonsense.”

“Yeah!” Kiran agrees cheerfully, pulling a Snickers from the folds of her robe, and pointing to the wrapper. “Because you're not you when you're hungry! See? It's their slogan!”

“So basically, all that's standing between the Askran royal bloodline and complete annhiliation is a bit of clever marketing and the power of misguided belief.”

“Anna! I'm hurt! I can't believe you think I would be so careless with the safety of our children!”

“They're not our children,” Anna reminds her wearily, well aware that she will inevitably be entirely ignored.

“You make it sound like I shoved a chocolate bar in the guy's mouth and immediately locked him in a closet with Alfonse and Sharena. We went through a careful period of testing, and it was only after he was absolutely sure it had worked that he agreed to stay.”

“Yeah, thanks to the power of misguided belief! Which means that he has no idea of the danger he still poses to the two people he's been spending most of his free time with. Oh, and let's not forget your brilliant idea to have him share a room with Alfonse!”

Kiran pats Anna's cheek fondly.

“Anna. Babe. It's adorable that you think Alfonse didn't suggest that himself. Loudly and often. I know you still think of the kids as babies, but our son is a thirsty boy. Luckily, so is our son in law. I mean, really, it only makes sense that two healthy, attractive young men who adore the pants off each other, would spend their time acting out all those disturbingly graphic love letters they've been exchanging.”

“Well, thank-you for those mental images—wait, you've been reading their correspondences? You don't think that's a bit of a breach of trust?”

“Only Alfonse's,” Kiran assures her. “And only because he asked me to.”

“Prince Alfonse asked you to read his _personal correspondences_?”

“Yeah, he wanted to make sure he hadn't accidentally included any sensitive information, or missed a comma, or anything. Why do you think I did my own research into how we could get Zacharoni back here? I don't know how much more I can know about my sweet little boy's sex life without losing my entire mind.”

“I...have no idea how to react to anything you just said,” Anna admits, looking completely floored.

“Are you surprised?” Kiran snorts. “_Of course_ our son has his tactician proofread his godamned eight-page smutfest love letters; because _of course_ he does. And _of course _I can never say no, because then he'll give me that _look, _like he doesn't understand _why_ I'm unhappy with him, but he's _terribly_ sorry, and only hopes that I can forgive him in time.”

Anna winces.

“Yeah, that sounds like Alfonse.”

“You should read one with me sometime,” Kiran suggests, waggling her eyebrows at Anna. “Not gonna lie, they're pretty hot. Our eldest is quite the little wordsmith.”

“Again, you do realize he's not actually our child, right? And that if he were, this would be intensely creepy.”

“Yes, and yes,” Kiran agrees cheerfully. “Good thing you love me anyway.”

Anna heaves a great, long-suffering sigh.

“Of course I do. It's some of your methods I take issue with. Like the ones that get at least one of the Askran royal children killed, and _my_ damn head put on a spike for letting it happen.”

Kiran raises her hands in defeat.

“Okay, fine. But you get to explain to Alfonse why his boyfriend is taking off again. And good luck commanding him when he won't even speak to you.”

“Our son would never let personal grudges get in the way of duty!” Anna insists heatedly. “We've raised him better than that. Stop grinning. You got in my head, that's all.”

With some difficulty, Kiran stops grinning.

“It's a shame, though; I've had a lot of inquiries from the more severely possessed among the Heroes, and they're willing to pay some serious orb to get their hands on a Snickers. I also have a shitload of Snickers, because seriously, the pastry chefs in Askr can do things that make my chocolate stash look like an old boot covered in dog crap. Who wants a Snickers when they have access to the wizardry with the chocolate raspberry creme and almond-infused sugar art?”

“Wait, now you're talking about peddling snack food to the Heroes as a cure for possession?” Anna asks, sounding cautiously, grudgingly impressed. “You really have that much faith in your Snickers?”

“Of course I do!” Kiran replies, rather shocked that Anna would even need to ask. “It's my third favourite candy bar! But I'm not going to take chances with our people's safety without your approval.”

Anna stares pointedly at her summoner girlfriend.

“Again, I mean,” Kiran amends easily. “I was just drawing up some figures when you came in. I thought I'd get my math straight and then bring it to you, but if you don't trust the effectiveness of the Snickers on Zacharias, to the point that we're going to send him away, then it's going to be hard to argue to anyone else that it really works. They're willing to fork over the orbs because they have firsthand proof.”

“I can't believe I'm agreeing to this,” Anna mutters under her breath.

A joyous light breaks over Kiran's face.

“You are?”

“Yeah, yeah,” the commander sighs. “I've never known you to be wrong about anything this important.”

Kiran beams.

“Thanks, Anna!”

“Now, hand over those figures before I change my mind!”

“Oh, Anna,” Kiran breathes, starry-eyed and adoring. “I thought you'd never ask!”


End file.
